Navigating a Failed Family Law Divorce Mediation: A Multidimensional Approach

**Divorce is rarely a straightforward process**. It is a winding road filled with unexpected twists and turns, especially when it comes time to mediate. The complexity of dividing shared assets and determining child custody arrangements can be overwhelming. Even with mediator assistance, discussions may not yield the desired outcome. However, failed mediation doesn't mean your journey to freedom and closure is derailed - it simply means that your path is taking a different direction.

Dealing with a Failed Mediation

Firstly,* it's essential not to lose hope*. Failed mediations can happen due to a variety of factors and are not a reflection of your abilities or character. Rather than seeing it as a personal setback, view it as an opportunity to gather insight into the opposing party's arguments and objections.

One powerful approach is **to debunk their claims with strong and substantial evidence**. If certain assertions were disputed during the mediation, gather relevant documents, data, or testimonies that can counteract those points. Sometimes, this process can reveal factual inaccuracies in the opposing party's stances, leading to a shift in negotiation dynamics.

In addition to building a robust case against your ex-spouse's arguments, it's also crucial to strengthen your own. Bolster your position by collecting corroborative evidence that supports your proposals and assertions. In some instances, providing tangible proof can help convince the other party, facilitating potential agreement down the line.

Post-Mediation actions: Offers under section 117c

If the mediation falls through, swiftly send an offer to the other party based on previously discussed terms. Known as an offer under Section 117C, this type of offer has significant implications. If they don't accept the proposal and a court grants an order on similar terms, they risk being required to pay for your legal fees from the date of the proposition. This possibility tends to spur serious reconsideration, preventing ex-spouses from prolonging disputes purely out of spite. Regarding this, it's essential to consult your attorney before taking this step, as accepting such an offer is legally binding under the Family Law Act.

Mediations, Narcissists and the Ratchet Approach

Dealing with a narcissist or high-conflict individuals during divorce mediation is particularly challenging. They often aim to draw out the process, taking pleasure in the continuous strife. In such cases, the courts expedite procedures to avoid unnecessary delays.

During the alternate mediation, consider employing a **'ratchet' strategy**. Approach each topic separately and secure signed agreements on every agreed issue before proceeding to the next point. This method prevents previous agreements from being undermined or reconsidered, moving the process steadily forward.

The key is to remain steadfast and undeterred. If the other party refuses to cooperate, it may be necessary to resort to court proceedings. Most importantly, never hesitate to seek legal guidance during this difficult time. As arduous and daunting as the divorce process might seem, with strength, resilience, and the right legal support, freedom is within reach.

Reframing the Perception of Failed Mediations

**Understanding that mediation 'failure' is not about personal inadequacies but an opportunity for deeper insight** can significantly change one's outlook. At times, it’s not about winning or losing, but learning. Sometimes, going through an unfruitful mediation may feel like a defeat, especially when dealing with high-stakes issues such as child custody or shared assets. It's vital to remember that it's not a reflection of your ability as a person or a parent. You're learning to navigate complex legal landscapes and unravel the ins and-outs of the opposing party's arguments.

Embracing this mindset helps to put things into perspective. The truth is simple yet powerful: the mediation didn't go as planned, but that doesn't mean you've failed. It merely means you've obtained a clearer picture of the other party's stance and can better prepare for the next phase of the process.

Exploring Strategies with Different Personalities

The personality traits or coping mechanisms of your ex-spouse can significantly impact divorce mediations. Understanding how these characteristics play out in legal negotiations can help you employ tactics for more effective interactions.

*Avoidant Personalities* inspire a unique approach. They may display distress at the seemingly insurmountable task of handling post-separation adjustments, leading to uncooperativeness in mediation proceedings. If your ex-spouse exhibits such tendencies, a concrete and step-by-step approach — clarifying every aspect of the arrangement and explicitly delineating everyone's roles and responsibilities — can be beneficial.

It may even be helpful to walk the avoidant ex-spouse through the entire process in a compassionate and patient manner, alleviating their worries about the unknown and paving the way for progress. However, it's crucial to ensure that any assistance offered isn't perceived as post-separation abuse or manipulation, which could complicate proceedings further.

*High-conflict ex-spouses* require a different approach. There may be a tendency for such individuals to turn disputes over shared assets into personal victories, using mediation as a battleground rather than a platform for constructive negotiation. Here, it's essential to discern when to compromise and when to firmly stand your ground.

Involving legal help is essential when dealing with high-conflict ex-spouses. Having a lawyer can assist you in understanding what's at stake and in making decisions that aren't just about achieving momentary peace but ensuring long-term security for you and your children.

Handling Mediation Over Children & Custody

In matters involving children, the stakes are undeniably high. Parents may find themselves more protective and assertive, leading to heightened emotions during mediations. The key is to always **centre the best interests of the children**.

One must remain conscious of each child's unique needs, rather than just focusing on the notion of 50/50 custody, which may not always serve the children best. In these situations, the disposition of the other party must be considered — whether they genuinely seek what's best for their children or are primarily concerned about how the arrangements will reflect on them.

Develop a clear understanding of your children's needs and present a strong case on their behalf, backed by substantial evidence and legal support. By doing so, you put the children's welfare at the forefront, where it rightfully belongs.

Remember The Big Picture

While the journey through divorce and mediation can indeed be challenging and complex, it's crucial to view each step — failed mediations included — as part of a bigger picture. These experiences foster knowledge, insight, and resilience.

Surrounding yourself with professional support, like attorneys, family law specialists and counsellors and listening to our podcast which goes into this topic in depth (click below), can provide the assistance and mental resilience required during this difficult time. Most importantly, never lose sight of your ultimate goal: to arrive at a fair arrangement that will benefit, not only yourself, but also your children if involved.

Seeking legal remedies can be overwhelming, especially for those unfamiliar with family law. However, with perseverance, resilience, and the right help, overcoming such hurdles and reaching a favourable outcome is entirely possible. Remember, it's not solely about moving past a failed mediation, but also about learning, adapting, and preparing yourself for the next stage of your divorce journey.

Click below if you want to listen to our episode that dives deep into this topic and the strategies mentioned.